knowing what to post on here is… hard. i want this to be a space for me to process hard feelings but i also dont want it to be a space where people are triggered and feel the need to get worse just because i myself am spiralling. i have no intention of making anyone else feel like their situations are not severe enough or that they need to escalate in some way.
however that doesnt mean that all is well up top. lately ive been in a pretty bad osfed flare. my osfed has three axes, first and foremost i have arfid symptoms, particularly that of the low appetite subtype. eating just… is very hard for me. i dont really get pleasure from eating most foods, they taste good but the emotional payoff is minimal. when my osfed flares, my hunger signalling just shuts down completely. i can drop to eating 300 or fewer kcals per day without even trying to restrict.
another part of my osfed is that i have classical anorexia symptoms with reactive bulimia symptoms. essentially my primary disorder is that i restrict what i eat to excessively small amounts. however when i do breakdown and refeed, my brain reactively resorts to purging to fix the refeed.
one thing i do which might or might not be good for me idk ive never asked a doctor is i pit all my mental illnesses against each other. like my alcoholism is tempered by the fact that my ed is terrified of the calories in alcohol and my ed is tempered by my feelings of scarcity and aggressive need to hoard resources “just in case”. healthy? maybe not but it does produce at least one semi-functional adult human and thats more than i can say for traditional recovery for me.
that being said i have a responsibility as a person publishing my thoughts to the public to think about what kind of impact those words have on the people who read them which is more than i can say for most publications online these days. the truth is: i am spiralling. i am struggling and it is not getting better. there is no light at the end of the tunnel. there is no end in sight.
it doesnt help that my psychiatrist wont treat my actual problems because of my self-harm and i havent even told any of my doctors about my ed because i dont want to be seen as even less of a reliable narrator than i already come across with schizospec disorders on there. well thats not true, i told my therapist i have osfed but he just hasnt really asked about it much honestly he might not have heard me with me infodumping my whole diagnostic history onto him.
idk how i feel abt my therapist. i dont hate him but he doesnt seem to know what to do with me. our sessions are mostly me talking and him validating me and that doesnt seem like its very useful to either of us and seems like maybe that time could be better spent with a patient more in crisis. idk after i finish my outtake paperwork with my current psychiatrist so i can move to a new psychiatrist ill sit down and think abt how i feel abt my therapist. im only in therapy bcus my psychiatrist ordered it for me bcus i told him abt my self-harm and he decided that all the other issues that were causing the distress that necessitated the self-harm to regulate were not problematic anymore and that the only important thing to treat was my self-harm. so i have mixed feelings abt being in therapy to being with…
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